So some of you..especially the idlers constantly surfing the net and mistaking it for having a life..may have noticed that I’ve not posted a note or written on my blog for a while. (the blog is published under a pseudo name to avoid repercussions from the poor sods I use as fodder)
Having resolved to get a life-read job- and be good at it, I had been busy bootlicking, spit shining, backstabbing, ass kissing and doing all that pertains to ensuring my smooth ascent up the corporate ladder.
Now all those who know me may harbour serious doubts on my ability to do the above let alone actually work..and their doubts will not be displaced. I’m happy to announce that after much research, I have finally managed to pull my face off out of my boss’ rectum and still keep my job and here’s how you can do so too:
1. Never walk without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use Computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training shillings.
3. Messy Desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking impatient and annoyed.
According to George Costanza (yes, that nut from Seinfield, gives good advise though) one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick legal statutes and journals work best for me).
9. Build Vocabulary.
Read up on your area of expertise and pick out all the jargon and new products/developments. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT.
Make sure your boss never comes by this list by mistake!!
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