VOICES

Can you hear the voices?

Can you hear their cries?

Do you know there here with me?

Watching you through my eyes

Do you know there in my head?

Do you know sometimes they take control?

Do you know there’s more than one of me?

Do you know I have three souls?

They talk to me you know

Tell me to do bad things

It really scares me

When one of them starts to sing

“Knock knock, I’m in your head

Bang bang I want you dead

I’ll kill your family, friends too

But what I want to kill, is you!”

I did try to ignore them

I swear at first I tried

But I can get rid of them

There always watching from inside

What’s that?

What did you say?

You want me to kill them?

To make them pay?

Don’t’ be scared

They can be your friends too

Well they could be.. but

They’ve asked me to kill you

They’re in my head

They want you dead

But I’m going to let you off

And kill myself instead

This lonesome World

Man is alone in the world. A woman expects a baby, but that baby in particular, that character? No. She does not even know what sex it will be, she would not recognise a photograph of it when grown. And in death there is eternal isolation. That will be my Hell. I am afraid of dying, but i know my fear is a sin.


By language men have made a show of congregation or society, because the individual is not born with language but learns to navigate with its means, which have been developed and bequeathed by dead men. This sense of being part of something greater is in fact an illusion. A man and woman may live together all their lives and still know little of the essence of the other. They rarely surprise each other, because what is essential to each is never communicated.


Like language, art struggles with what is common, to disturb the individual habit of perception and, by disturbing it, to enable men to see what has been lived and seen by others. By upsetting, therefore, it tries to soothe, because it hopes to free each person from the tyranny of solitude.


No child born knows the world he is entering, and at the moment of his birth he is a stranger to his parents. When he dies, many years later, there may be regrets among those left behind that they never knew him better, but he is forgotten almost as soon as he dies because there is no time for others to puzzle out his life. After a few years he will be referred to once or twice by a grandchild, then by no one at all. Unknown at the moment of birth, unknown after death. This weight of solitude! A being unknown. 


And yet, if i believe in God, i am known. On the tombs of the English soldiers, the ones too fragmented to have a name, they wrote ‘Known unto God’. By this they meant that here was a man, who did once have arms and legs and a father and a mother, but they could not find all the parts of him-least of all his name.


God will know me, even as i cannot know myself. If He created me, then He has lived with me. He knows the nature of my temptations and the manner of my failing. So i am not alone. I have for my companion the creator of the world.


At the hour of my death i would wish to be ‘Known unto God’.

A Kenyan's Guide To Kenya

I've often been terribly disappointed by the tourist guidebooks written about Kenya. Most of the time they tell you stuff you already know, like "you can go on safari and see some lions." That's probably why you wanted to come here in the first place, so that's not helpful. Other times they give you all manner of useless information. For example: what's the point of telling you how to ask for directions in Kiswahili if you're not going to understand the answer? (Sometimes they seem to be written by a malicious Kenyan who hates tourists. One time I was lying on the beach and was accosted by an earnest American who said, "Jambo. Nyinyi muna kula viazi?" First of all, no Kenyan says "Jambo." Secondly, I was lying on the beach, I was alone and I definitely wasn't eating potatoes.) 

These books never tell you about all the amazing people you can meet in Kenya, or how to understand what they're saying. Determined to correct this horrible wrong, I'm issuing the first of many useful, practical tips for our many visitors. Herewith Volume I of "A Kenyan's guide to Kenya." (Disclaimer: this is written from a Nairobi perspective. Other parts of the country are a whole other story and will cost you extra.) 

Here's what you should know: 

When we want you to pass us something – the salt, say – we'll point with our mouths. Example: We'll catch your eye then say, "Nani." Then we'll use our mouths to point at the desired object. This is achieved by a slight upward nod followed by an abrupt thrusting out of the lower lip, which is pointed in the object's general direction. There's no explanation for this. ("Nani" can be roughly translated as, oh I don't know, "Whats-your-face," "You," or "Thingie." We're unfailingly polite.) 

Frequently, and for no reason whatsoever, we'll refer to a person as "another guy." However, this MUST be pronounced/slurred thus: An-aa guy. This also applies to "the other day," which is when some momentous event in our lives always took place. We do the same thing with Kiswahili words like 'bwana', which is pronounced 'bana.' 
Example: "I was driving in town the aaa day and this guy comes from nowhere and cuts me off, bana. Man I abused him!" 'Abused' in this sentence must be drawn out and emphasised for maximum effect: a-BUSE-d. 

We claim to speak English and Kiswahili, which technically means that we should be able to communicate with the English-speaking world and Tanzania. What we really mean is that if you're not Kenyan you won't understand a damn word we say or why we say it. 
Example: "Sasa" in Kiswahili means "now." We use it as a greeting. 
Correct usage: "Sasa?" "Ah, fit." It confuses us that Tanzanians don't understand this. 

We also, just as randomly, might greet you by saying, "Otherwise?" Common response: "Uh-uh." There is no explanation for this. 

Kenyans are multi-lingual, but all this means is that we believe that if we translate something word for word from one language to another it will make sense. A Kenyan might say, for example, "You mean you're not brothers? But you look each other!" Be kind, they just think that muna fanana can slip into English unfiltered. Speaking of filters, that's why some people (tribe/ethnicity withheld to protect my uncles) will claim to 'drink' cigarettes. If you're not Kenyan you won't understand this. Let it go. 

We can buy beers at police stations. Grilled meat too. Heck, in some cop shops you can even play darts. I am NOT making this up. Example: "Man the aaa day I pitiad (pass through) the Spring Valley cop station after work. I was leaving there at midnight, bana. I was so wasted! I told those cops to just let me go home." 

Oh, that's another thing: when we're leaving a place (your house, a wedding, the cop shop bar) we tend to say, "Ok, me let me go…" We're not implying that you're holding us against our will; we're just saying that we'd like to go. (The plural is, of course, "Us let us go.") 

When Kenyans say that you're mad, it's a profound compliment. "Man this guy is mad. You know what he did…" then they'll go on to recount some of your admirable exploits. It's high praise. Smile modestly and accept it. By modest I mean look down, draw a circle in the dust with the toe of your shoe (or just your toe) and then smile, draw your mouth down into a brief frown, and smile again. Alternate quickly a few times. This is known by English-speaking Kikuyus as The Nyira Smile, or The Sneering Smile. Then say "aah, me?" in a high, sing-songy voice. However, only do this if you're female. 

On the other hand, if Kenyans ask, "are you normal? (Sometimes pronounced "nomo"), then they're getting a bit concerned about your state of mental health. Reassure them by buying another round. 

Which brings me to Alcohol. Our national pastime. You know that myth about Eskimos having thousands of word for 'snow?' Well, our beloved drinks are known by a thousand names and phrases too. Kenyans will 'catch pints (or just 'catch'),' 'go for a swallow,' have a 'jweeze,' 'keroro,' 'kanywaji,' 'jawawa…' really, no list can be exhaustive. Be aware, though, that the words you use will immediately tip off your audience about your age. (For the Kenyans reading this, no I was NOT born during the Emergency, you swine.) 

Our other pastime is religion. (What contradiction?) If you're broke on a Sunday – and your hangover is not too bad – stroll over to one of our parks and catch some open-air preaching. Jeevanjee Gardens in town is a prime location. There you will see us in our full multi-lingual, spiritual splendour. There is always, and I mean always, a freelance preacher thundering in English while his loyal and enthusiastic sidekick translates into Kiswahili. 
Sample: 
Preacher: And then Jesus said… 
Sidekick: Alafu Yesu akasema… 
Preacher: Heal! 
Sidekick: Pona! 
Preacher: HEAL! 
Sidekick: PONA! 
It's hypnotic. We suggest you go with a Kenyan who understands both languages because sometimes the sidekick nurses higher ambitions and, instead of translating, tries to sneak in his own parallel sermon. If you're bored in Kenya it's because you're dead. 

As you've probably figured out, we like abbreviating things. (Why would the word 'another' have to be any shorter than it is? Why would the Kenyans reading this find it odd that I keep talking about 'Kiswahili?') This can lead to unnecessary confusion. But by now you should have figured out that when you're catching and someone says, "Si you throw an-aa ra-o?" they of course want you to buy another round of drinks. Don't worry about the 'si;' like so many words in Swa it's impossible to translate. Embrace it, sprinkle it liberally in your speech and move on. There are several such words, which will be tackled in Volume II. 

Coming up in Volume II: why you shouldn't try to understand sheng (and please dear God don't try to speak it), why your strange ideas about forming queues won't work here, and why Nairobians love pornographic chicken. Contains a glossary of untranslatable but essential Swa words (like 'ebu,' 'ati,' 'kumbe' and 'kwani'). 

                                                 Sex Consent Form (For Male Protection)

                                                                                           Form 16xxx

I ---------------- -----------------------------------------, herein referred to as 'SCREWEE' have agreed to have sex, hereafter reffered to as 'THE ACT' with the bearer of this form, herein referred to as 'SCREWER' having accepted the following terms and conditions without any reservations.

1) That I, the screwee is of sound mind and that this decision has been reached without any undue coercion.

2) That I am not drank at the time of signing this form and that the bearer is NOT responsible for ascertaining my level of soberness.

3)

That the screwer is NOT responsible for any emotional, psychological, and imagined physical or moral damages that may emanate from the act.

4) That if the act is carried out at the screwer's house, I will produce minimal sounds to avoid alerting the screwer's neighbours and/or parents UNLESS otherwise agreed.

5) That I, the screwee, will leave the screwer's house at the first light of day if the act takes place at night and that any garments left behind will be discarded without further consultation with me.

6) That I, the screwee, WILL NOT request for Taxi money, airtime, breakfast or any other form of financial favours from the screwer because of this act, and that any such favours - if forthcoming - will be greatly appreciated.

7) That I will be an active participant during the act if I hope to get the satisfaction I crave. Said satisfaction, however, is not guaranteed.

8) That I will NOT hold the screwer responsible for any undue resultant alterations to any of my organs, insofar as they were utilized during the act.

9) That the screwer may choose to expel me from his house for any reason before, during or after the act for any reason, ESPECIALLY lack of proper hygiene.

10) That any missed periods springing off of this act will be my SOLE RESPONSIBILITY and will thus not be used in any way to get favours from the screwer, including - but not restricted to - marriage, child-support and/or rent.

11) And that I, the screwer, take full and total responsibility for lack of satisfaction of either party (screwee and screwer) and will not use any such lack thereof to bad mouth the screwer.

 

.................................................

Sign here.